15: The life waiting for you beyond the circle

In this follow-up to episode 14: Being Seen Is Not the Same as Being Known, we will explore friendship, attachment, and discernment in healing spaces and growth containers. 

Here, is reflection on receiving what is helpful, without losing sight of real life, real relationships, and real rhythms waiting for you beyond the circle.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Welcome back, friends. I want to return to the last episode for a moment and add another layer. After I shared being seen is not the same as being known, I got a few really thoughtful questions, which I was so happy about because it told me you were really listening. And also it showed me there was another layer here that needed to be named. The last episode was mainly about co-ed healing spaces and the vulnerabilities that can surface there, especially when someone is already in partnership and begins to confuse feelings seen or understood or emotionally stirred with something deeper than it actually is. And this episode is the next layer. Because one of the questions that came in was basically: what about friendship? What about making real connections in circles, in retreats, in trainings, in spiritual spaces, in therapy groups, in women's circles, in men's groups, in personal growth containers. Is that wrong? No. Is it beautiful? Sometimes. Can it get muddy? Absolutely. And that's the path we are walking down today. Let's give language to the difference between healthy connection and risky attachment. Hopefully, this will help you get a little bit more honest, a little more discerning about why you are entering a space in the first place. Because the why matters a lot. So first, let me say this very clearly, and I think you may already know, I am not against healing spaces. I like to hold and facilitate healing spaces. I've been in these worlds for more than 25 years. Church growing up, yoga spaces, Reiki practices, other spiritual practices and spaces, energetic spaces, women's work, personal growth work, all of it. And I believe deeply in spaces that help you remember who you are. And that is the key. Remember who you are. Not become dependent on the space. Not orbit the facilitator forever. Not keep chasing the emotional high of feeling expanded, activated, deeply understood, or temporarily more alive. These spaces are meant to support your life. They are not meant to become your life. That distinction matters more than you may realize. Because when a space is healthy for you, it strengthens you to return home. It helps you come back to your actual life with more clarity, more honesty, more regulation, more truth. It does not make you want to escape your real life more. So before you enter a group, a circle, a retreat, a class, a program, a container, even something you know is good for you, there are a few questions worth asking yourself. Why am I going? What am I hoping to receive? What am I vulnerable to right now? Am I seeking support? Friendship? Tools? Validation? Relief? Escape? Am I going to remember myself? Or am I going because I do not want to deal with my real life? Now that last question might sound sharp, but I think it is an honest question. Because sometimes we do need support. Sometimes we do need co-regulation. Sometimes we do need a sacred room, or a room full of women, or a room full of men if you're a man, or a wise guide, or a practice, or a frequency that reminds us who we are. That can be beautiful. But if the only place you feel like yourself is outside your real life, then something deeper is asking for your attention. Here's a simple distinction I'm going to offer here. Healthy connection will say, I feel strengthened here, and I bring that strength home. Risky attachment will say, I only feel like myself when I'm here. Healthy connection helps you integrate. Risky attachment keeps you seeking. Healthy connection reminds you of your truth. Risky attachment makes you dependent on the reminder. Healthy connection expands your capacity for your real life. Risky attachment makes your real life feel like it's the interruption. And that may be where someone can quietly get lost because it is easier to feel spiritual in a curated environment than to be honest in the kitchen. It is easier to cry in a circle than to share difficult feelings with your spouse. It is easier to journal at a retreat than to actually change your daily habits. It is easier to feel seen by a facilitator than to tell the truth to the people who actually know you. And that's not because you failed. It's because real life is where the work gets tested. I'm going to be direct here. If you are constantly circling healing spaces, self-growth spaces, retreats, facilitators, programs, communities, and you still do not feel more honest, more free, more rooted, more capable of living the life you say you want, then it may be worth asking, is this still serving me? Or has this become self-avoidance? That's a mature question. Not a shameful one, but a mature one. Because sometimes what looks like self-development is actually just a very refined way of staying disconnected from your real life. And your real life is where the medicine is meant to go. So now let's talk about friendship. This was the question underneath the last episode. What about making real friendships in these spaces? Here's what I have to say. Friendship is not wrong. Connection is not wrong. Bonding is not wrong. Liking people is not wrong. It's important to note not everybody enters a group space for the same reason. Some will go to learn. Some go to heal. Some go because they're lonely. Some go because they want community. Some go because they're looking for friendship. Some go because they want tools. Some go because they want to be around people who understand them. And if you don't know what is true for you or what is true for the people around you, things can get muddy very fast. Especially if you are vulnerable, especially if you are partnered, especially if parts of you are starving. And for the person who is lonely, because some people are not circling these spaces because they are dramatic or shallow or addicted to healing. Some people are starving for resonance, for truth, for friendship, for depth, for a place where they don't feel weird or too much or like the only one. That longing is real and there is no shame in it. But longing can be confusing. So if you are entering a space hoping to make friends, that's something to be honest with yourself about. Because not everybody there wants that. Some people want a beautiful shared experience and then go home. Some people are protecting their marriage. Some people do not have capacity for more relationship. Some people have learned the hard way not to overextend themselves emotionally. That doesn't mean they don't like you. It doesn't mean the connection wasn't real. It doesn't mean you imagined it. It just means connection and friendship are not always the same thing. For me personally, when I enter women's spaces, I am usually not there looking for a friend. I'm going to be in frequency of women, to remember myself with women, to feel strengthened by women, to reclaim trust with women, to be in a space where I can soften, receive, witness, and remember. If friendship happens, beautiful. If it doesn't, that's okay too. A lot of those connections for me are seasonal. They're real, they're meaningful, they're lovely, and they are temporary. We shared a chapter. We share medicine. We share a moment, and then we return to our lives. That does not make the connection less meaningful. It makes it honest. This is your invitation for that. Not every meaningful bond needs to become a friendship. Not every resonance needs to become access. Not every woman you feel warmth with needs to become part of your everyday life. Sometimes the gift was simply meeting her, being reflected by her, remembering something in yourself because of her, and letting that be enough. Now, if you are someone who genuinely wants friendship, honesty helps everyone. You can say something simple. I've really enjoyed connecting with you. I'm also looking for more female friendship in my real life outside of these spaces. Is that something you're open to too? That's clean, it's mature, and it gives the other person room to answer honestly. Maybe yes. Maybe lightly. Maybe not right now. Maybe keep me in the loop if something comes together. All of that is okay, because clarity is kind, and I think one of the most respectful things we can do as adults is stop assuming connection means access. It does not. And it's not rejection, it's discernment. I also want to add this layer very clearly, too. Facilitators are not there to become your friend, whether you received one-to-one mentorship or connection or a group experience. And that does not mean that they cannot be warm and friendly. It does not mean they cannot care. It does not mean relationships never evolve over time. But facilitators hold influence, they hold projection, they hold power in the room. And that means they hold responsibility. So when the lines blur, those lines need to be named, not romanticized, not ignored because the connection feels meaningful, not excused because someone is charismatic or special. The more emotionally charged the space, the more maturity is required around boundaries. It's true and simple. So what does integration actually look like? Because I keep saying, return to your real life. What do I mean by that? I mean you leave the retreat and finally share difficult feelings with your spouse. You leave the circle and change your weekly rhythm so your nervous system isn't constantly fried. You say no to the next program because you already know what you need to practice from the one you just went to, or maybe even the one before it that you haven't integrated just yet. You reach out to one grounded woman in your real life and build something slower and truer. You stop chasing more insight and start applying the medicine you already have. That is integration. When you're integrating, you don't need more language or emotional intensity or more seeking. You are practicing embodiment, daily transparent honesty, a practice that is rhythmic in your life. And yes, adult friendship is hard. When we were younger, friendship was built into proximity. School, neighborhoods, activities, same age, same stage of life. Adult life is not like that. Now people are spread across different seasons, different values, different capacities, different responsibilities, different healing journeys. So, yes, many adults are searching for friendship, and it can feel hard. But do not let the difficulty make you frantic. Do not let it make you attach too quickly. Do not let it make you lower your discernment. Do not let it make you turn every resonant encounter into a fantasy of belonging. Sometimes the friendships meant for you now are not the most intense ones. Sometimes they are the women already near your real life. The women in your neighborhood, around your children, in your community, the women you see consistently enough to actually know and be known. Another piece I'd like to name that I've been learning deeply. The more space I make in my life, the more I feel my own rhythm. The more I say no, the more honest I become. The more honest I become, the less desperate I am for outside affirmation. And the less desperate I am, the cleaner my relationships feel. Because the world constantly pulls us out of ourselves, out of our body, out of our pace, out of our nervous system, out of our truth. And then we wonder why we're confused. So maybe part of the medicine here is not just finding the right people, maybe it's making more room to hear yourself. Not the performative self, not the pleasing self, not the seeking self, your true self. So if this episode is stirring something in you, here are a few questions I invite you to sit with. Why am I drawn to the spaces I keep returning to? What do I receive there that I am not giving myself in real life? Am I seeking support or escape? Do I want friendship or relief from loneliness? Am I applying what I already know? What would it look like to bring this medicine home? What relationship in my real life needs more of my honest dedication right now? Where do I need to renegotiate, reset, or return to myself? And I want to leave you with this. Your real life is not the interruption. Your real life is the path. The point of healing spaces, sacred places, circles, mentors, classes, and growth containers is not to make you feel amazing in the room. It is to help you live more truthfully once you leave it. So go where you are reminded, go where you are nourished, go where you are strengthened, go where your frequency is restored. But do not forget to return. Return to your home, return to your body, return to your marriage, return to your children, return to your work, return to your responsibilities, return to your actual rhythms, return to the people already in your life. And from that place, let your life become the medicine. Not because it is perfect, not because it is all healed, not because there are no gaps, but because it's yours. And when you stand in that truth compassionately, honestly, without abandoning yourself, you become less likely to confuse being seen with being known. Intensity with intimacy, or healing with avoidance. That is where the deeper work begins. That is where the medicine lives. That is where you return to yourself.